So, I have been gone awhile!

I did not intend to be absent this long from my blog. (That's my story and I am sticking to it). Aside from the craziness of the holidays, I never knew how "draining" it would be to tell my story.

Yet, this inner voice has been bugging me to keep going with it. So..that's what I am going to do till my inner voice tells me otherwise. My new goal will be to publish at least two new post a week.

So, where was I? Ah yes, Derrick. How could I forget.

Okay, after he dumped me for the Baywatch Beauty, our church had an upcoming Summer camp. These camps were always pretty fun and our church was so small I never really felt like the odd ball out at this church. Everyone knows everyone else, I always looked forward to it.

One day Derrick (who I was still friends with, kinda had to be because of the whole small church thing) called me up to ask a favour. He wanted me to "befriend" the Baywatch Beauty-because he was bringing her to camp-and she did not know anyone other than him-and since they keep the guys and girls mostly separated, I guess he wanted to make sure she was not uncomfortable. Whatever.

For some stupid reason (the need to feel wanted) I agreed to this. I told Derrick that I would be her friend,be nice to her, introduce her to the other girls, blah blah blah. How nice of me huh?

At this point,I had not done anymore binge/purge. There was really no need to. I did not have a boyfriend I needed to be pretty for,and at the rate I was going I was never going to find one. It was summer vacation, there was no school,the only other guys I was around was the church guys, and again, with the church being so small, there were some pretty slim pickings. Truth be told, Derrick was the king of the crop, and I had him and lost him. Now I would just concentrate on having fun at camp.

Even though I was not doing my binging and purging,I was still trying every diet and diet pill that was out there. I never really stuck with anything long enough for good results. Again though, back then I would not even sa I was overweight, just curvy, but when you are curvy surrounded by stick skinny girls, you feel over weight.

Summer camp came around and all of a sudden the Baywatch Beauty was not going. If memory serves me correctly, she had other family obligations. No sweat off my back. Derrick still decided to go. I am assuming the family obligations the Baywatch Beauty had would also be keeping her away from him, so he really had nothing better to do than go to summer camp (which was only a week by the way)

Everyone showed up to camp (which was somewhere in North Carolina, and we were in VA beach) the first night was spent just settling in, meeting a few new people,things like that. The girls were in one cabin the guys in another (told you, small group).

It had just finished raining and there was mud EVERYWHERE. Well, just like your typical 13-16 yr old age group everyone was having fun, goofing around, having a good time being away from the parents, out of school,celebrating the start of summer. And somewhere during all of that, I got pushed in the mud, or shall I say mud puddle. Derrick had pushed me in a total "I am flirting with you" kind of way. Stupid boys,god forbid they actually just come out and say it. Anyhow, I did what any self respecting 14 yr old girl would do and I pushed him back,which lead to him falling in the mid puddle also. I wont lie,it was fun, just kids being kids.

The problem arose with the whole shower situation, there was only one shower,in the main house, and both Derrick and I were literally covered head to toe in mud. Our youth pastor had no choice but to let us use the shower, I was to go first because, well, I am the girl.

Another friend of mine had brought my clean clothes up to the main house, I was in the upstairs shower waiting for her. Derrick was hiding out in one of the guest bedrooms waiting for me to finish up so he could jump in. Well, I tell ya, I do not know what these youth pastors were thinking when leaving us alone upstairs, but they did, and they certainly were not thinking!

Nothing happened (unfortunately) I was a good girl back then, still a virgin, and I still wanted to keep my virginity till my wedding night (so I told myself). However, Derrick saw nothing wrong with trying to sneak in the bathroom/shower with me. he kept pushing in the door "C'mon, everyone is downstairs, no one will know" and he was right. No one would have known. We could have taken a shower together (among other things) and no one would have had any idea. Way to go youth pastors, leave the teenagers alone together!

I stood my ground, w/ a little flirting here and there, oh and I also used the fact that he had a girlfriend to keep him at bay. That seemed to work,for now anyway.

While I was in the shower cleaning up that's when it hit me. I had won. It did not matter that he had the Baywatch Beauty, because he was here with me, trying to take a shower with me. In my head I had made it this competition, and I was the winner, therefore,for now anyway, I did not have to worry about binging/purging. I just would not eat, because I wanted to keep him interested in me.

Derrick and I spent the next few days just hanging out, talking,really getting to know each other. It was fun. I know he wanted to sleep with me, he told me so. If we were not at a Christian camp, if had been a little easier,I just may have, but that is not how it worked out. Any free time we had we were together,we ate our meals together,we always sat by each other during the services, you would not see one without the other, and the youth pastors picked up on this.

They started to separate us. They would give us odd chores to do. As a parent now I totally understand what they were doing and why, but at the time,I was like huh?

One night in particular Derrick had me sneak into the guys cabin. No one was in there, I think he just dared me to do it, well I did, and we got caught. Derrick and one of the youth pastors had a huge falling out over it which resulted in Derrick being kicked out of summer camp. He left that night.

Even though it was just one week out of my summer, I had the best time ever. Derrick made me feel that yes, indeed guys could be interested in me,maybe even see me as being pretty. Derrick made me feel that he had chose me over the Baywatch Beauty. In hindsight I know that could not be further from the truth, but at the time,in that moment, that is what I felt, Derrick made me feel that I did not have to binge and purge,it had been awhile since I felt that way.

During the course of the next year there were a few more camping trips w/ the church and with Derrick. Always lots of fun,plenty of flirting going around. Good times. Nothing more than that ever happened between us, then one day he just stopped coming to church, and my family switched churches. That was it. Derrick is probably the only guy in my past that I would like to know what happened to. I have obviously moved on, no more unresolved feelings for him, but for that week he was the most important person to me.

and then, shortly after,I met my first husband.

My First Time

Not "that" first time (get your minds out of the gutter!) My first time I tried to do this bulimia thing, otherwise known as binge/purge.

I had my first serious crush at about 14. His name was Derrick and he went to my church. Derrick was the first guy who showed any kind of interest me at all. In the 5th and 6th grade I had my little school girl crushes,but these guys always told me "if you just lost a little bit of weight you would be really pretty". No one ever thought I was fine just the way I was, that is until I met Derrick. Looking back, I do not even remember the details on how we started our sordid love affair. Okay, I may be exaggerating on that last one. Problem was I was not aloud to be alone with a guy. My parents who were Sunday School teachers laid that law down real quick, and it was a good law. Truth be told,I did not want to be alone with a guy, I mean what were we suppose to do? So, Derrick asked me out,not knowing that the only place we would be able to see each other would be church. I was able to "keep him at bay" for a good three weeks,and then he got tired of not being able to see me,which we all know meant he knew there was no way he could sleep with me. So, what did he do,he broke up with me at church. Really there was no surprise with that one. It was only a matter of time. He was a popular 17 yr old at his school and I was the fat girl at mine. It was doomed from the start. Derrick and I remained friends because that's just the type of girl I am (and I really needed friends). The following Saturday at the church's softball game here comes Derrick w/ a tall,tan,thin blond. This girl looked like she just walked of the set of Baywatch. Why did he even bother going out with me in the first place? Oh yeah,he wanted to try to sleep with me. After the softball game, I went home, totally depressed after seeing the Baywatch extra. No freakin wonder he broke up with me,I was fat! It was in that moment that everything changed. My parents were in their room "taking a nap" (yeah rigghht). I knew we had a gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream in the freezer. Oh how I wanted this ice cream, but I did not want to get any fatter than I already was, and that is when I saw Gina in my head,I remembered the after school special with the girls stuffing their face with junk food,I remember all those videos the counsellors showed us in school. I made my descion,I was going to do it. I was going to pig out on as much ice cream as I could, and then I was going to go to the bathroom to get rid of it. Problem solved. I made at least four bowls of ice cream, sneaking each one up to my room,eating it so fast I ended up giving myself numerous ice cream headaches. I did not want my parents to see what I was doing,I did not want my brother or sister to know what I was up to. I wanted my first time to be as quick and painless as possible.

I am a little hesitant to post the details of exactly how to binge and purge (yes, believe it or not there are tricks of the trade) I did my research early on, I knew the best way to purge, if there really is a "best way". My fear is that some random girl will come across this blog and she will try it. I do not want this blog to be a step by step guide on how to binge/purge. So, for now I will just leave it alone.

Afterwards, I honestly felt better. I know that sounds crazy, but I felt better about how I looked,I felt better being dumped for a Baywatch extra, and I even got a little cocky. I just "knew" over time, if I kept doing what I was doing then I would get Derrick to come back to me.

How It All Began Part 2

I spent the remaining year of the 6th grade "just passing through". I never was able to just not eat-I wanted to, boy did I want to. I wanted to be strong, I just craved food too much. One day after school, I was up in my room "primping" listening to my favorite hair band music of the late 80's while watching t.v. Then, something on the t.v caught my attention. Off went my music and up went the volume on the t.v. There was about 5 girls having a slumber party, eating loads of junk food,one of the girls did not want to partake in the junk food festivities. The four other girls kept trying to get her to "eat up, you can just get rid of it later". This was how I learned about bulimia, and in my mind,seemed like the perfect answer,the best of both worlds. I could quite literally have my cake and eat it too. One by one I saw the girls stuff their face with cookies,chips,cakes,pizzas then one by one I saw them go to the bathroom to get rid of it. I realized this was one of those after school specials. One of those shows that was suppose to warn and protect girls just like me against the dangers of bulimia, but all it did for me was teach me. It opened up a whole new world for me. This one after school special taught me everything I needed to know, all I had to do now was put the plan in motion.

How It All Began Part 1

When I was in the 6th grade I had to transfer schools. In my new school, in my new class, there was a girl who was going to be out for a few months. That was the first time I had heard the word anorexia. It baffled my mind that someone would intentionally NOT eat. Here I was in love with food. Not that I was overweight, if anything maybe 10 pounds. I just loved to eat, and eat I did. So when I heard there was a girl who made herself so sick from not eating, my curiosity got the best of me. I think I tried to "not eat" lunch, that did not last long. It was pizza day!!

The week before the girl was to return to school, we had some nurses and school counsellors come in to talk to us about the dangers of eating disorders. They showed us a film about the signs/symptoms to watch out for. The only thing that stuck in my head was there was a fat girl who after not eating or after throwing up was no longer fat. I was sold! I just had to learn more about this bulimia. I knew I could not NOT eat, I enjoyed it too much. Maybe there was something to this bulimia thing, maybe I could FINALLY be as skinny as everyone else, maybe a guy would FINALLY like me if I looked the part, maybe, maybe, maybe. I set the plan in action and started asking my fellow classmates what happened to "Gina". "How did you know she was sick?" "How skinny did she get?". Apparently she got so skinny that when she would turn a page in a book, you were able to see her bones. In my naive young little mind, I was impressed, I even thought "Gina" was lucky, why couldn't I have that type of luck? I had seen a picture of her before she got sick, she was probably 20-30 pounds overweight, much larger than I was. In my head, I figured if she could do it than I could do it-and then she came back to school. She did not even look the same. If memory serves me correctly she barely weighed 80 pounds, and all the boys liked her. See, I knew it!! I knew the skinner you were the more boyfriends you would get. Everyone tried to tell me that was not the case, everyone tried to tell me I was pretty in my own way,but I knew better.

One day in gym class, both Gina and I had to sit out. I saw my opportunity and knew I had to act on it. Without any thought for her feelings, for her recovery, with pure selfish intentions in mind, I asked her "how did you do it?" "how did you get away with not eating?" "didn't your parents make you eat?" "what did you do when you got hungry?". Gina answered every single one of my questions and boy was I taking notes. Could it really be this easy? (Cont)